Well this follows that fateful day in Gatlinburg.
And it was about a month or more into our trip.
And I was really hungover.
And angry. No, enraged.
All that I had set out to do could no longer find form or direction.
The guys that were traveling with us were trying to get close to Kelly.
I had been angry before, but I was so furious I was starting to see red literally and I felt that if I didn’t focus all my energies in just realizing that I still am, I would lose my conscious self completely and start attacking people and obliterating all semblance of reality.
I have never been angry since then.
In order to focus my thoughts, I would but my knife in the fire until it turned red and then place the blade on my hand and watched the skin blister and swell around it and I held it there until it went cold. And then I would do it again. It was the only thing keeping me sane. I sat there and burned our symbol into my hand and rethought everything that I had strived for in life up until now.
In the name of purity-
- I had rejected school and education.
- I had rejected drugs and peer influence.
- I had rejected family and community.
- I had only focused on my true belief that a better reality could be established.
But I realized at this point, that I could not accomplish this in the fragile approach of just one being. One mistake would ruin it all. And one mistake did ruin it all.
I had to rethink my entire existence.
And so, as I burned what is still clear on my hand after 28 years have passed, I decided that I would have to look at the things that I rejected without experiencing.
- I would finish high school, get a university degree.
- I would try drugs. (and was quite aware that this was the necessary order)
- I would try and build trust with my family and give importance to friends and community.
- I would try and find others who believed that a better reality could be accomplished.
And only then would I look at the world again and choose a new direction.
Once I made these resolutions, each action that I made was measured against how I would accomplish this task. It took me another couple of months until I could get back to Canada, and I was without shoes, shirt and money when I made it to uncle Dave in Virginia and he flew us back home.
Those were some pretty intense days.
- So I finished high school, working full time nights.
- I called Shawn and asked what he was doing – mechanical engineering in Ottawa. I went and got a degree.
- I dropped acid.
- Three days later I was in the Old City of Jerusalem looking at the remains of were the Beit Hamikdash (Solomon’s Temple) once stood.
- I got closer to my family, I had strong friendships, I got married within a year, had kids.
- And I found the people who believed that a better reality could be accomplished.
Problem was, the ones that I could recognize had been dead for thousands of years.
And I have been digging them up since then. I have yet to find one that still lives and that I can recognize, and who can recognize me, but I am getting closer now after 25 years. At least I finally understand that I need to change my eyes in order to see them and not that they don’t exist, or contain any fault.
And I am just starting to be able to choose a direction now. Wow.
!מי ליהוה אלי